Building a family communication can take on un expected challenges, just as it can reap unexpected benefits.
These suggestions can help your efforts be successful when setting up a family group to keep n touch with.
- Start with a positive tone and open language
- Actively listen and empathize with family members
- Respect boundaries and privacy during interactions
- Avoid assumption-based conversations and sensitive topics
- Leave the door open for further connection
If your family has just scattered with pursuing your lives, there are not so many “hot topics” to avoid. If you are just not staying in touch because you have neglected to reach out, remember to proceed carefully.
You may not know that your sister is peeved at you because you took your Mom to Europe with you to visit grandkids during her daughters graduation from high school. Did I know it was graduation time for my niece? No I didn’t. During that time there was little keeping n touch going on. We were busy with families and jobs and life.
In my mind, my niece was still in jr. high! Yes, we could have waited a couple of weeks to go had I known.
I didn’t know she was miffed at me for two years. She was civil to me when we saw each other a time or two a year, but she finally spoke up.
So pay attention to what you know about family relationships. Go slow, and know that building over time is better than reigniting issues that you didn’t know about.
Family Relations Can Improve In Time.
Understanding the emotional reactions of that first contact may not have entered your mind when you had that thought about wanting more family contact.
This can be an issue if there are problems that we are unaware of. Yes, like mine. Often there are some unresolved bits and pieces of the past that can stand in the way of a successful first contact.
So you, as someone who has done a bit of advance prepration for this first stay n touch exchange know that a little thought should go into this effort.
Don’t assume that your memories are the same ones that your siblings or kids have. Being extremely polite and thoughtful will get you started in the right direction. You may not know how smoothly your aunt is adapting to the empty nest time of her life. Reality is often a far cry from what we think it will be.
Move carefully and build slowly. There is the importance of family connections that may not have appealed to your brother. He may be a little slow to understand that keeping n touch involves him interacting with you!
You may have intended your off-handed invitation to include him, but with out pressure for acceptance.
He may have heard “Don’t bother looking for an invite to this group!’
Just move slowly, and don’t take things to personally.
Setting the Stage for a Warm Introduction
- Research beforehand can help understand family background and dynamics.
Spend a bit of time thinking over what you know of your family, their actions and reactions. Often the family is as ready as you are to connect. Stay n touch can be just what is needed to establish those first connections to grow into stronger family bonds
- Choosing the right mode of communication: Letter, phone call, or digital message?
Often the mode of communication is important as well. We still use the email, but on occasion I have resorted to a text to get the younger members of the groups attention. I just tell them to check their email. They then respond as needed. Often in the kids busy world, they may not catch up with the notes from Mom till the weekend.
- Personalizing your approach based on individual family members
Most of the group communications I have studied and talked with others about don’t connect daily. This is a bit often for most. I am sure that my grandkids think that life with Granmom is slow and boring, and they are right. However when I offer to take their name off the group, they insist that they want to be left on, even if they only respond once a month or so.
There is no rhyme or rhythm to our messages, just a good morning, thinking of you kind of thing many days. All families are different and have a different response level.
Sami’s take on “Communication Start Up Suggestions”
Remember, you are sitting the stage for a long time relationship, and for the stronger ties to your family when you start a stay n touch project. It probably won’t happen all in one big move.
Reasonably regular check-in is important. Relationships grow, and they respond to repeated staying n touch. Sharing memories and checking in to see what is going on is important.
It is important in a family to respect personal space, and personal growth. We are all on equal ground here. My grandkids are starting their lives, I am winding mine down. I still want to know what is going on for them, and they still laugh at some of Granmom’s old lady ways!
Do I know all there is to know about communication just because I have been talking so long, or because I have been writing Mom’s notes nearly 20 years? No I don’t.
I still have to learn to listen better, and if I texted the kids to check their emails daily they would soon disregard the text! I have to respect their time, and schedules.
Would I trade the benefit of hearing from some family member on a regular basis? Not in this life time. This is a blessing I didn’t understand when I first started. This has been a strong bond builder for our family.
Give it some thought to how this might work for you.
Thank you,
Sami